My nieces both aged thirteen came to visit this past weekend. In actuality they are my great nieces, the daughters of two of my nieces, cousins to each other. Their visiting and staying over has become something of a “tradition” over the years beginning when they were eight years old. They are both the youngest in their families and love having undivided attention and being spoiled by their Aunt for two days. We always have a good time, shopping, talking, eating out and playing games. Apples to Apples was the winner this time, we played for hours and did a lot of laughing.
In the course of our chatting they shared an incident that occurred when they were seven, when a group of older girls (aged 10-11) “bullied” them. They had been playing on the swings in a park and the older girls started making fun of them and taunting them. One niece mentioned how she stood up to them, answering them back, that her parents taught her you have to stick up for yourself, never let anyone take advantage of you. My other niece responded that her mother had always told her to walk away. She said she was taught the best course of action was not to answer back, just walk away and ignore the people that acted that way, they weren’t worth it.
I was struck by the contrast in the two approaches, and it made me think twice. I was not surprised their parents’ approach to a situation like this was different. Their mother’s are sisters but have always had different personalities, and their husbands are very different from each other too. What struck me is which approach was the “correct” one to take? By not “sticking up for yourself” it is conceivable one could become a constant victim, allowing others to take advantage, knowing you are an easy target. On the other hand, being confrontational can get a person in trouble, can lead to further aggression. I could hear the distant voice of my own parents inside my head saying to walk away, not to confront. But I am not sure where that led me through my formative years. As a result of being non confrontational I believe there were instances where I did not stand up for myself when I should have. Where I allowed the girls in school who were more “savvy” and manipulative to be just that, as I kept quiet and went along with it. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I believe I came to hear my own inner voice saying I needed to learn to say no to those ready to take advantage of my “good nature.”
The incident on the swings can present itself in other forms, in more subtle forms. Is my niece who is walking away setting herself up for never really facing the difficulties that she may be confronted with? Will she never think it worth it to engage in conversation when people have differing opinions from her own, feeling they have nothing to say because she doesn’t agree with them? On the other hand does “sticking up for oneself” lead to constant arguing and intolerance for what other people say and think, does it make one wary of others, ready to fight it out?
The years will show how these two young girls grow and navigate their way through life, how they handle relationships and develop. I hope to be there right along with them as they do.
A Day In The Life 
You must be logged in to post a comment.