A Day In The Life

While training to become a volunteer in the hospital to visit patients, one of the first things I was told was never to say to a patient “I know how you feel.” Because no one knows how that person feels- only they are living in that experience. Validating how they feel is a good thing, but never saying you KNOW how they feel. This has come to mind over these past few weeks since my brother died.  I had not seen my brother for close to ten years and had little contact with him during that time. He suffered from mental illness and it was difficult to maintain a connection. When he died I was saddened at the thought of him cutting his own young life short, the struggles he had gone through in his life, that he was really gone this time. I found myself weepy on and off for two days, but after that I moved forward. My daily routine and life were not affected by this loss.

People reached out to express their condolences, childhood friends and their parents, relatives I had not heard from in a long time. I was open about his having ended his own life, and how my relationship with him had not really been a “relationship” for a long time. I was met countless times over with the refrain “I know you are still grieving”  “Grief takes a long time to go away” “Your reaction is rooted in the grief you are experiencing”

Really? 

I am a person who tries to always get to the root of the matter, dissect it, look at it from all angles, pull it apart to truly understand the inner workings of what is going on. I have a BFF who I discuss things with ad nauseam who will objectively work things through with me. So I do not think I have lulled myself into some state of denial when I tell you I am NOT grieving. Please stop telling me how I feel because you seem to think this is how I should feel, or maybe because if your brother died you would be feeling that way.

I helped care for a friend who was dying of lung cancer for almost two years. I saw him every day, watched his slow descent into the hell that is lung cancer, his body failing, his mind failing. His six months on hospice. His children saying goodbye, his taking his last breath, my having to tell his mother he was gone. In this case, there were few phone calls of condolence when he died, no “sorry your friend is gone” no “this must be hard for you” No “Grief takes a long time to go away” When in truth I cried everyday for weeks, walked around in a state of not knowing what to do as his care had become my routine. But because he was not “related” to me, no one seemed to think I would be grieving after the funeral.

Grief is an emotion different for all in my opinion. How each of us handles loss is a personal thing. In the case of my brother the lack of relationship made the grief I felt less profound. With my friend, the daily interaction over time brought greater emotional attachment and made the loss that much deeper.

This experience has made me all the more aware of the importance of being respectful of how each of us handles situations in life and death, in relationships, in how each of us deals with given situations. It brought home for me how we need to be mindful before telling someone how they should be or must be feeling based on their own experience.