Making Amends-Testing the Waters: Part 2

Seven months ago, (September) I wrote about my husband’s son having finally made contact with his father for the first time in almost 20 years.  This is what I wrote:

Sometimes a person feels remorse but is not quite ready to fully delve into making amends, or revisiting a situation. Maybe they want to test the waters, but not actually jump in.

This seemed to be the case last week when my husband received an email from his son whom has had no contact with my husband for close to 20 years. The relationship a casualty of divorce. A child being used as a pawn by a mother who thought nothing of filling his head with lies and guilt until the child succumbed. The door has always remained opened from my husband’s side, efforts made over the years to reach out, all spurned.

The Jewish New Year was last week, and on the eve of the holiday my husband received an email that read:

Hi

Just wanted to wish you a good year. May you be written and inscribed for good.

Signed with his name

At first my husband thought maybe it was a mistake, a group email sent out to many and somehow my husband’s email had been inadvertently included. He did away with that theory, and came to think that maybe something had moved his son before the new year, he is now 42 and maybe sees life differently having adult age children himself. My husband immediately emailed back and also called the number that was included in the email, saying how happy he was to hear from him, thanking him for reaching out, and would love to see him if he wanted.

No response. Not after the holiday, not all week.

My husband wonders what prompted him, but will have to wait to find out, hopefully not another 20 years.

Update:

It is now April, and as September turned to October with no further word from his son, my husband put it out of his mind (sort of, as it is never really out of his mind) and life went on.

This coming week will be my husband’s son’s 42nd birthday. My husband has sent a birthday card to him every year for the last 20 years. At first the cards would come back with RETURN TO SENDER written across the front, and eventually they never came back at all, the check enclosed inside never cashed. That is until this past Friday.

As every year, my husband sent a card, reiterating once again how much he would like to reconnect even though he realizes it may be difficult for his son to do so. An email appeared in my husband’s inbox Friday saying:

Thank you for the birthday card, when I am ready I will let you know. All the best.

The door has opened another crack. My husband hopes the “when” will be sooner than later, thinking that contact made twice in seven months is major compared to nothing in 20 years. Here’s hoping.

1990lbday1

36 thoughts on “Making Amends-Testing the Waters: Part 2

  1. This has got to be terribly difficult for your husband…and for you. It’s hard to tell if he is interested in a reconciliation or leading him on. Let’s pray that they get together soon. There is probably much to say on both sides.

    Like

    • It is hard for me knowing the deep pain this causes my husband- and it occurred to me too that it could be a ploy for control that might never come to fruition- but I shut that thought out in the hope that something has been triggered within his son to open the door a crack with no malicious motive.

      Like

      • At 42, I hope that’s the case and maliciousness is not part of his thought process. That would just be cruel but I’m guessing you don’t know what kind of influence his mother may still have on him.

        Like

      • It’s hard to know what to think anymore….the whys, what is it that you are still harboring such anger about…. the unanswered questions remain

        Like

  2. Here is hoping, I Know how emotions get so divided when a divorce happens.. And I know only too well how parents often ask their children to take sides..
    I was an adult of 27 when my parents Divorced and I had two children then of my own.. It didn’t stop my Mother wanting me to take sides and cut of my Dad.. The result of bitterness she held and the fact that I wouldn’t comply along with other issues led to her cutting me off. She didn’t speak for 10 yrs despite me trying often and getting the door shut in my face.. She unfortunately died without the rift ever being mended.
    So I hope as you Husbands Son will reach out… So many times the Children’s mind is corrupted by that of one parent or the other, whose own bitterness is then transfered .. Sad.. for my mother missed out on so much with her own grandchildren.

    My thoughts are with you and yours
    Sue

    Like

    • Thank you so much for such a heartfelt response- I am so sorry to read of your experience with your mother-I have always said you can take an unfortunate situation and try to work within it as best you can, or you can choose to make it worse, and as hard as it is to believe some people choose the latter. Sad for everyone. I feel my husband is losing out on knowing many of his grandchildren, and they too are not having the experience with a grandfather they could be having. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It must be both good and yet heartbreaking to hear from a child,now an adult, but a stranger. As others have said it is sad that so much manipulation can happen when children are young. It is a credit to him that he has kept the door open…best wishes.

    Like

  4. What a heartfelt message. I am thrilled that his son is stepping in the right direction.
    I have gone through a divorce and am friends with my ex as it makes life so much easier for our boys to understand that their parents may not be together but know they can all be in the same room together. And not feel uneasy!
    Thinking of you and your husband. You have no clue who I am but we follow each other’s blogs and just know… My thoughts are heartfelt.

    Like

    • Thank you so much- I only wish over these many years my husband’s ex wife would have been able to see past her bitterness and anger – but it has never happened. Thanks so much for your kind words

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hope this is a new beginning. Never too late to connect with loved ones, Lisa!
    This breaks my heart for both your husband and his son. It is hard to say why people poison their children since I got divorced 3 times, never felt the children should be used or making them casualties. I even would make a list in my mind of the positives of their fathers, two children with my college sweetheart and husband. My ex and I met the first day of freshman year and I reiterate to our children often, He was my first really good boyfriend, just could not get over the vices, (alcoholism and smoking which he had promised to end when he became a father. I drink an occasional glass of wine but really like having a spouse home after work and not sitting at a bar every night. Al-anon and counseling didn’t “cure” me from being upset daily. Once apart, I started saying good things about him again. Your daddy knows how to make delicious omelets, your Dad is a great one at cards, and I will always love the way your Dad could make us all laugh. . . As shared grandparents, he does much better in this role, is working on not drinking since his Mother, Father, Sister and Brother are all gone, died before 60 and he approaches his 60th in July. His present wife is overweight and eats sweets, so not sure how he will stay away from Diabetes which two of his family had to inject insulin. . .
    I hope that the son who had lost contact will build more bridges, Lisa and help to make a better father-son relationship. I have never asked but if you wish could you let me know if you have had children together? If not my business, no problem. I probably should check earlier posts. . . Smiles, Robin

    Like

      • I must not have been a regular on your blog in September, 2015. Thank you for sharing this, Lisa. I will read this next. . .
        My third child was glad I never told her as many good stories about her Dad, allowing her to form her own opinion. I mainly told no bad stories for either husband. Both situations I gave as long as I could to stay together, also knowing that children bounce back better if younger. “Staying together” because of children backfires in my research in elementary education, child development and child psychology courses.
        Sending a silent but heartfelt prayer about a father and son reunion. 🙂

        Like

  6. Oh, that’s really wonderful. Your husband must be so thrilled that at last he has some positive communication from his son. It sounds very hopeful. My sister’s adopted daughter cut all ties with her and her husband over 15 years ago, when she became involved with a very possessive partner. They are still hoping for a reconciliation one day. Thankfully they do see the grandchildren very often now that they’re both almost adults. It’s terrible how some people can manipulate children, using lies and even threats. I wish all the best for your lovely husband. 🙂

    Like

  7. Trust me, it means a lot a lot a lot to your stepson that your husband has never given up on him. I had an uncle who never gave up on me and as far as I know, was the only one. I will forever be grateful that he was there behind the scenes for me. You and your husband are doing the right thing and you never know what is going on behind the scenes. ❤

    Like

Thanks for stopping by-Would love to hear what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s